


Teasing and Cocksure

by voleuse



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-09
Updated: 2006-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-04 07:31:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voleuse/pseuds/voleuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>And the bird was no longer mocking, it was asking</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Teasing and Cocksure

**Author's Note:**

> No spoilers. Title and summary adapted from Charles Bukowski's _the mockingbird_.

When she was six and a half years old, Lindsay asked her father why Michael got to ride in a firetruck for Christmas, and she didn't.

Her father looked at her for a second, then patted her on the head. "Because you're pretty, sweetheart."

She thought that over, then smiled. "I want a new dress, then. And a doll."

"Of course." He turned back to his files, waved his hands. "Tell your mother. She'll get you something."

Her mother got her a personal shopper, and Lindsay got four new dresses, a doll, and a bicycle with ribbons on the handles.

Her father never knew the difference, but she only figured that out years later.

*

 

When she's sixteen and a half, Michael walks into the living room just as Trevor passes second base and is rounding to third.

She shrieks and covers herself with last month's copy of _Ms._ Trevor falls off the couch, stumbles out of the room, and three minutes later, she hears the front door slam open and shut again.

"Okay," Michael says. "I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that."

"God, Michael," Lindsay snaps. "Now he'll never ask me to prom."

Michael rolls his eyes. "I'm sure you'll survive." He walks past her, heads toward the stairs. "You know, there are better ways to rebel," he says over his shoulder.

"No wonder you don't have a girlfriend," she shouts back.

She sits up and readjusts her clothing, and Buster walks into the room and squeaks.

Lindsay scowls, and knocks his head into the wall when she passes by.

*

 

The next week, she gives all her pretty clothes to the Salvation Army, and borrows a pair of shoes from the housekeeper.

When she shows up at breakfast wearing a crocheted dress, patchouli, and sensible shoes.

Gob laughs, and her father stares.

"You're about fifteen years too late," Michael remarks.

Lindsay raises her chin and sits down. "I'd like some orange juice," she announces, and the maid places a glass in front of her.

Her mother saunters in with a glass of something else, and when she sees Lindsay, she frowns. "Is it Halloween already?"

Lindsay sits back in her chair and eats breakfast. Buster tries to steal her grapefruit, and so she squirts it in his eye.

*

 

It's about a month before her mother realizes Lindsay's _still_ dressing in drab and discarded.

Lindsay knows, because that's when Lucille storms into her room and points a cigarette holder at her. "What the hell is that?"

"Hemp, Mother," Lindsay replies, and continues to braid her hair.

"Hemp is not for wearing, Lindsay," Lucille responds. "Even the maids know that."

"Whatever you say, Mother," she says, as calmly and smugly as possible.

Lucille wobbles on her heels as she turns, and stalks out of the room.

Lindsay smirks.

*

 

Lindsay meets Ralph at a Greenpeace protest. He is tall, handsome, and dedicated to sea otters.

He is also easily distracted, Lindsay finds out, because it only takes a wink and a quick grope to get him to leave the meeting and follow her into a supply closet.

While she's bent over a box of orca bumper stickers, Lindsay thinks she really likes this guy.

After their fifth date, she takes him home. They make out in the kitchen, and Lucille finds them.

"Mother, this is Roger," Lindsay says.

Ralph says, "Ralph, actually."

"Right, whatever," Lindsay replies. "We've been seeing each other."

Lucille adds an ice cube to her gin and tonic. "That's nice."

Ralph clears his throat and wanders into the dining room.

They watch him walk out, and then Lucille raises her eyebrows, lowers her gaze. "He has a nice a--"

"Mother!" Lindsay interrupts.

Lucille shrugs, then pats Lindsay on the shoulder. "I was afraid you'd find someone boring."

Lindsay's mouth drops open, and Lucille smiles.

*

 

She dumps Ralph a month later.

She'd meant to do it sooner, but he's really, really good in bed.

She does have priorities, after all.

*

 

Once their vows are said, and the minister pronounces them husband and wife, Tobias pats her hand and smiles.

"I'm sure we're going to have a wonderful future, full of love and children and generosity."

Lindsay nods, and looks around at the audience. Her father is looking at his watch, her mother is drinking from a flask. Gob is sidling up to one of her bridesmaids, and Buster is handing Lucille a bottle of pills.

Michael's in the back, with his wife and the baby. He catches her glance and smiles.

"Lindsay?" Tobias asks.

She turns back to him and nods. "Sorry. What was that?"

*

 

Maeby is six and a half when Lindsay starts to crack.

She switches from patchouli to Chanel, and buys her bras at Victoria's Secret.

Tobias never notices, so she continues the metamorphosis.

*

 

One day, she flips through _Vogue_ and sees her mother in a group picture. It's from a fundraiser for some disease or another, and maybe it's life-threatening, or maybe it just makes people uglier. In any case, she realizes several important things.

First, her mother looks horrible in direct lighting, and should never, ever be allowed to wear orange.

Second, according to the caption on the photo, fundraisers with rich people raise much, much more than singing at natural foods fairs does.

Third, she can be rich, look beautiful, _and_ be a good person.

Lindsay drops her magazine, and picks up the phone.

*

 

"So I propose we hold a joint fundraiser to help preserve the wetlands," Lindsay sums up.

Lucille sips her mimosa. "Where?"

"At the country club, for starters," Lindsay replies. "If this works, maybe we can think bigger."

"All right." Lucille sets her glass down, and gestures for the maid. "I'll tell your father."

"Thanks, Mom," Lindsay says, then slides a gift box across the table. "And this is for you."

Lucille opens the box and smiles. "Why, thank you." She drapes the orange scarf across her neck.

"I hope you'll wear it to the fundraiser," Lindsay says.

When Lucille agrees, Lindsay raises her glass for a toast.


End file.
